Plate Tectonics

Whoa... things are getting heavy. I'm no geologist, but I'm convinced that the continents weren't always separate. I believe that at one time, they formed a massive supercontinent, which was either called Europa or Pangea or Middle-Earth (my research team is out today, so I'm just guessing). Anyway, without the movement of the continents, we'd all be speaking one language and there'd be no foreign cars or imported spirits. That would suck. So I think plate tectonics are:

GOOD

Anyone wanna trade me two wheat for a wood?

Pantry Moths

Hey guys. It's been a while.

Today's topic is pantry moths.

They are:

BAD

They got in our food, laid eggs, and I ate some of their babies (the ones on the left up there in the picture).

Broccoli

I don't like broccoli. It is:

BAD

Tastes like trees.

Crayons

I was that jerk in second grade who had the set of 700 crayons, all neatly organized in a box with a little crayon sharpener lodged in the backside. And I never shared, because I knew some dick would break my crayons or sharpen them excessively just for the sheer pleasure of destruction. I loved my crayons...

Crayons are:

GOOD

Don't forget to peel back the wrapper before sharpening.

Butter Churns

I grew up on a farm, and my mother always had me make the butter because she had a bad back. I hated it back then, but now that I live in the city and haven't churned butter in so long, I have very fond memories of the peaceful barn in the morning, as the chickens were just raising their eyelids.

In retrospect, I'd say butter churns are:

GOOD

I did not grow up on a farm.

Hand Dryers

On the front panel, they try to convince you why hand dryers are good (because they know everyone hates them). "Hand dryers reduce paper waste, energy costs, and are more sanitary than paper towels." Well, they also don't work. So you may as well use a rock to dry your hands. It would have all the same environmental/cost/cleanliness benefits.

Hand dryers are (for lack of a more terrible word):

BAD

This dryer's actually pretty cool. You press the button; it serves you bacon.

Washers

I have absolutely no idea what they do, but they appear in pretty much every piece of furniture/plumbing/electrical equipment ever. So they must be:

GOOD

According to Wikipedia, washers are "normally used to distribute the load of a threaded fastener." That's cool.